Finding peace after disgruntlement

I have seen the hand of God working throughout my breast cancer experience, from my inexplicable decision to schedule a mammogram after avoiding them for four years, to the radiologist knowing the lumps were to be taken seriously, to the fine surgery performed by Dr. Kim and the care I received at the hospital and ongoing in the love and support of so many people, near and far. I also see His hand in my decision to leave the clinic last Tuesday, though that requires a bit more explanation.

I wasn’t ready to begin treatments that day. I was still questioning, still hanging on to the last shreds of resistance and denial. Physically and emotionally I was very low. Additionally, I had always had in my mind that I didn’t want to decide on anything before seeing my GP at the Baldwin Clinic but I wasn’t scheduled to see her until Wednesday, which meant I wasn’t prepared mentally, either.

I am thankful God works through us and leads us even at times when we are not being saintly. I am convinced that by walking out of the clinic, I was following God’s leading, though at the time I was too disgruntled to recognize it.

But it all made sense the next day when I found the peace I had been looking for after talking to Dr. Nash. It was such a relief to review the options with a professional who had no personal stake in what kind of treatment I pursued and to get objective and compassionate answers to some nagging questions.

I now see that it would have been a mistake to stay that day and it would be a mistake not to go back. So, I am going back. But this time, I am ready.